The Do-It-All Myth: Why Working Moms Can’t and Shouldn’t Do Everything

Briana Dai [00:00:00]:

I'm the only one that can do bedtime routine like mommy, you know? And when I, when I'm in town and I have the ability to do that, I'm there. I'm all in, you know? Only I have the ability to be that sounding board when my kids need me. Now juggling full-time work, 2 kids, the house, all the things, the dishes that are never-ending, the kitchen that's always dirty, the laundry that never stops. It is endless. maintaining a home and act how you would treat me if I was a stranger. And I was like, okay. And so I'm playing at the bottom of the hill and my dad rolls around in the car and he rolls down the window and he's like, hey, little girl, you want some candy? And I was like— Hey there, another solo episode today. And You're gonna either love me or hate me for this one because I'm going to say— I mean, this is kind of a polarizing topic.

 

Briana Dai [00:01:01]:

Anytime I talk about it on social media, I get hate for it or love for it. It's one or the other. There's no in-between. And so I'm just gonna say it: working moms cannot do it all. I need you to hear me say that because it's not a failure. It's kind of the whole point. Like, somewhere along the way, we decided that a good mom and a successful woman should be the same exhausted person. And I am gonna go and just cancel, cancel that culture right now because it is physically impossible to be 100% for multiple people at the same time.

 

Briana Dai [00:01:36]:

The do-it-all myth is like the most toxic belief and it is impossible to figure out and we all end up just feeling like we're failing and it's not fair. If you're doing that to yourself, you need to quit it because being fully present at home, fully driven at work, and then Never dropping a single thing is going to run you to the ground, and it came from a culture that sold women that you can have it all and quietly meant that you can do it all alone. And that's just not the case. We doing it all and doing it all alone are completely different things, and I think that we have been fed a lie of what doing it all actually requires because you can have it all; you just can't do it all by yourself. So. Right now we're grading ourselves off of an impossible scorecard that absolutely no one can really win. And I feel this intense need for every single working mom out there to know that she needs to release the impossible expectations, because when you are holding yourself to that high of a standard, you're setting yourself up for burnout, you're setting yourself up for disappointment, and really the only person that you're truly disappointing at the end of the day is yourself. You know, I think that the things that I beat myself up for, it's so funny because I feel like my daughter, um, well, my son's only 14 months, so he can't really communicate when he's not feeling that well.

 

Briana Dai [00:03:12]:

You can tell energetically, but he's just a happy baby. My daughter's 5, and I feel like the things I beat myself up for, she couldn't care less. She's having the time of her life while I'm over here having mom guilt that I'm missing something. So, you know, there are things that I drop. Like there's, um, you know, just the other week I had a trip planned and then come to find out her kindergarten class was doing like a, a presentation. I thought I was missing graduation, for which, number one, since when did kindergarten graduation become a thing? Okay. Like preschool graduation, I get it. But like, are we just gonna graduate every single year and do a ceremony? Like, No, no, you graduate preschool, maybe graduate elementary school, then you graduate high school, and then you graduate college.

 

Briana Dai [00:04:00]:

But graduating kinder— anyway, it wasn't a graduation, thank God. I thought that it was, but she had like a little school performance thing that she was doing in her classroom with just her class. It wasn't even a big thing. And I felt so bad that I had already booked a flight, I was already committed to go, and I decided Not to cancel it. I was like, you know what, her dad's gonna be there, she's gonna have representation of the family, and she's not gonna be alone. And there's gonna be video, I'm gonna see it, and I'm gonna love her and, and show her how proud I am of her. Like, it's gonna be great. And I shared that I was missing that to go to do this thing, really as a way of giving women permission, because sometimes you do drop things.

 

Briana Dai [00:04:41]:

Had I known that she had like a school performance, Would I have chosen that trip over that? Probably not. But I didn't realize it was happening. And I actually was very at peace with the decision to continue to go because I knew that I didn't marry a loser who was going to show up and make sure that our daughter felt loved and seen that day. And I got so much shame from sharing that I chose to go on the trip for missing that kindergarten thing, which by the way, she will probably never remember. And I think that's the piece for mothers. We get into our heads around wanting to be there for every single moment. And we realize that, I think we don't realize that a lot of those moments, they're more important to us than it is to them because they're not, if it's not a core memory, they're probably not gonna remember.

 

Briana Dai [00:05:40]:

Core memories.

 

Briana Dai [00:05:41]:

Yes, you'll remember them. I'm trying to think back to my first memory. I'm probably not the best person to do this exercise with, having had a traumatic brain injury, but my long-term memory is actually still pretty intact. It's the short-term stuff that's a struggle. But anyway, I feel like my very, very first true memory was when I was—

 

Briana Dai [00:06:04]:

2?

 

Briana Dai [00:06:06]:

I was 5. That was my daughter's age. So that was my first memory, but it was a core memory because my dad was trying to teach me the importance of stranger danger. We lived in Ohio at the top of this really big hill. It was called Price Hill, was the name of our street. We played— we lived at the top, and I loved to play at the bottom of the hill. And I was a cute little 5-year-old girl. My dad wanted me to know strangers are dangerous.

 

Briana Dai [00:06:28]:

And so he's like, we're gonna do an exercise, and we're going to I'm gonna drive up in my car and I'm gonna pretend to you like I'm a stranger, and you need to pretend like I'm a stranger and act how you would treat me if I was a stranger. And I was like, okay. And so I'm playing at the bottom of the hill and my dad rolls around in the car and he rolls down the window and he's like, hey, little girl, you want some candy? And I was like, sure. And I ran up to him to get the candy and he grabbed me and he threw me in the trunk of the car and then he drove up to the top of the house. It was probably like 60 seconds, but it felt like 30 minutes, you know. But when you're a kid, everything is exaggerated. And that was my first memory, and I remember it because it was a core memory, okay? You don't forget being thrown into the trunk of a car. And some people might think, oh my gosh, he should be called— but no, I have an amazing, amazing dad, so do not come for him in the comments.

 

Briana Dai [00:07:22]:

Parents were different back then too. And honestly, I think that we've gone a little extreme with this whole, you know, gentle parenting thing. But that's a whole different story for another different podcast topic. That's not the point of this. The point of this is we work ourselves up over making sure that we don't miss a single thing, and our kids don't even remember it. My mom often talks to me about this too, because obviously I, I look to her. She was also a working mom, and she traveled a lot when we were kids. And she jokes about how she was the co-chair of the school's Scholastic Book Fair, and neither my brother nor I have any memory of that.

 

Briana Dai [00:08:03]:

And she almost came unglued being the co-chair of that program. It was so much work. But we give our— we, we, we, we take on all of this mom guilt for things that our kids don't even care about. So I always try to remind myself to say no to things that really don't matter so that I can say yes to the things that really do. And I think that this is where communication is so important. And even little kids can communicate what really matters to them. Like, my daughter can can say to me sometimes, like, I really want to have a play date and not go to school because it's summertime. I work, so she goes to like a daycare summer camp kind of thing.

 

Briana Dai [00:08:45]:

She didn't want to go. She wants to have a play date. And I couldn't do that today because I had to be here, but I said, you know what, let's do that next week. Let's go, let's go. Actually, we're gonna go on a family trip next week. We'll miss school next Friday, and I'm gonna take you to a really fun adventure. How does that sound? Then she was so excited. So I think that if have great communication with your kids and you hear them and you can show up and you can nail the things that really matter, you realize how many things we get ourselves worked up about that genuinely truly don't.

 

Briana Dai [00:09:17]:

So giving myself grace as a working mom instead of grading myself on someone else's rubric has been a game changer. Because I think a lot of the times we maybe feel the peer pressure from other moms who maybe have more flexibility, that can show up for more things, or they know all of the things. I can't tell you how many things I've in terms of like dress-up days. And I'm, you know, like, what's an example? There was one that was like, I don't know, like a college t-shirt day. And Tatiana is a 5-year-old girl, so she's a princess. We don't have a lot of college t-shirts laying around, and I wasn't about to go at 8 o'clock at night on a wild goose chase for a college t-shirt to fit a 5-year-old girl. So you know what? She just wore Dallas Cowboys colors that day, and it was totally fine. And I Could have felt so defeated, like, oh my God, my kid's gonna be the only mom that doesn't have a college teacher.

 

Briana Dai [00:10:17]:

When, like most of us do, we get all freaked up and worked out— freaked out and worked up about it. But at the end of the day, she's gonna be just fine. So just knowing and understanding what really matters, nailing the things that really do, and giving yourself grace for the things that you miss, cuz sometimes you're just gonna miss it. And it doesn't make you a bad mom, it just makes you a real one.

 

Briana Dai [00:10:38]:

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Briana Dai [00:11:09]:

So I don't do it all. I do what's mine to do, and I let go of the rest. And I stopped calling that failure. That is the biggest thing. And the biggest piece that I think a lot of us as moms miss is trying to do it all and failing and feeling like we're not enough, because we are. Like, my worth is not in what I do. was never tied to my output, and neither is yours. It doesn't matter how much you're putting out into the world.

 

Briana Dai [00:11:36]:

That's not what defines you. What defines you is how much you show up and how present you are for your kids. I talked about this in another episode, but the point that is so critical and I think is the blessing of my experience was the gift of being singularly focused. When I had my traumatic brain injury, My divided attention, being able to do multiple things at once, really did take a hit. And while I have acquired the ability to carry multiple tabs in my brain again, I'm able to remember what it was like to focus on one individual thing and to be where your feet are. And your kids need a, a present mom, not a perfect mom. And present doesn't necessarily mean present for everything. It means fully present.

 

Briana Dai [00:12:26]:

In the moment when it matters. It doesn't matter if you're present but you're also checking your emails and checking, taking your phone calls. It doesn't matter if you're present but you're also worried about the next errand that you have to run and checking the time. It doesn't matter if you're present and you're not fully in the moment. Being present in terms of being exactly where you are, fully engaged, fully in that moment, is going to matter so much more than 8 hours of divided attention where they're kind of on the back burner. That is not the idea that of a present mom. And if you can let go of the need to be there for every single thing so that you can be fully present for the things that really matter most to your kids, when you can communicate with them and ask them what matters most to them, nail those things, and then forget about the rest. Girl, you're doing great.

 

Briana Dai [00:13:14]:

Enoughness isn't earned by doing more. You are already enough. Before the to-do list, all right? And that is so incredibly important. You're not a machine measured by what you're not a machine measured by what you produce. You were enough long before today's to-do list existed, and you will continue to be enough long after today's to-do list is done. So remember that and let go of the rest. And I think that another key thing is it's really hard to manage all of the things when you're working and you're really building something. Thing.

 

Briana Dai [00:13:51]:

You know, if you're, if you're a working mom and you're maybe building a side hustle and you're doing, you know, building your business during nap time hours, that's amazing and congratulations to you because that's hard work. And when I was on maternity leave, I tried to dip my toe into that a little bit, and that is really challenging. So hats off to you. And for me, that's not enough because for me, I want to build a multi-million dollar global movement. And that's not something that you have to dip your toe into. That's something that you have to go all in to do. And I'm doing it not just for my own calling, my mission, but because I want to model to my daughter that anything is possible. If you have a dream, if you have a calling— I had this calling before I had you, babe.

 

Briana Dai [00:14:32]:

I'm not going to give up on it now. I didn't change as a woman when I became— I did change as a woman when I became your mom, but I didn't change my calling. My drive didn't go away when I became your mom. For some women, it does. For some women, your kids become your full calling, I still wanted more. And I think that for the women that have that desire, we almost feel shame around it because society has made us feel like, oh, you're supposed to be the nurturer, you're supposed to be fully present for your kids. Guess what, babe? I am fully present for my kids when they really need me, when it really matters. I am religious about the things that I know really matter.

 

Briana Dai [00:15:10]:

Like, I'm religious about leaving the office at 5 PM. Every single day. If I'm not out the door at 5:00 PM, it's a problem and it bothers me because 5, I, with my commute and traffic, I'm usually home by 6:00 PM. And that's 6 to 8:00 PM. That's when they get home from school. That's when we're doing dinner. That's when we're hanging out. That's when we're doing bedtime.

 

Briana Dai [00:15:30]:

And that time is so sacred and I want no distractions and I don't wanna be robbed of that time with them because being present to hear about the day, to do bedtime routine, tuck her in at night, have the conversations about like, Mm-hmm. What she did and how she felt and where she's her headspace is what she learned. That is really important to me, and I'll be damned if I miss that. So yeah, I know what's important to me, to my kids, and I always nail those things. The things that I don't need to nail though, the things that I don't need to do are things that I don't have to do. So I work really hard so that I can afford to get some help and some support. And if you're a working mom and you're not generating enough to be able to hire. Some additional help, I'm just going to say it.

 

Briana Dai [00:16:18]:

I really encourage you to figure out what you got to do to generate more, because if you're going to be away from your kids, it better be worth it. And I don't want to be away from my kids and then have to worry about doing things like putting— doing and putting away their laundry. I don't want to have to worry about things like running to Amazon to do my Amazon returns, or I don't want to have to worry about things like You know, vacuuming the dog hair every single day. So I have seeked out the help of a house assistant that helps me 3 times a week keep the house in order, and being able to come home and it not be a train wreck and to be able to walk through the door and exhale and just be present with the kids has been the biggest gift. When I went from 1 to 2 is when it really got hard, and I was about 3 months So Bryant was about 6 months old. I was about 3 months back in the office, now juggling full-time work, 2 kids, the house, all the things, the dishes that are never ending, the kitchen that's always dirty, the laundry that never stops. It is endless maintaining a home, a family, the running of the errands. Now my daughter's into activities and she's gotta go to jiu-jitsu.

 

Briana Dai [00:17:33]:

Sometimes I have somebody help me get her there and I'll pick her up or vice versa. That is what it's all about. So whether it's hired help.

 

Briana Dai [00:17:40]:

Mm-hmm.

 

Briana Dai [00:17:40]:

Or your village that you call in for help. There's been times when I need to get going and my husband's not home yet. I've got phenomenal neighbors, thank God, and I'm like, hey, can I run the kids over there for like 20 minutes until Travis gets home? Because I gotta go. You know, no mom makes it alone. You have to have a village, whether it's family or friends or neighbors. You gotta invest in growing your village because you're not gonna do it alone. And if you have the means to even get a part-time, which is what I have, a part-time house assistant that can just Release some of the anxiety so that you're not coming home after a long day and feeling like, oh my God, now I gotta get this laundry done for tomorrow and I gotta get this put away and I have to do the dishes and I have to make sure the house is spotless and I have to do the vacuuming and I have to do— it's like, it's a— it is unreasonable and it is impossible to do and to feel sane and to feel like you have any level of self-care for yourself. Because what happens then is that you're giving everything to everyone else and you have nothing left for yourself.

 

Briana Dai [00:18:39]:

Mm-hmm.

 

Briana Dai [00:18:40]:

Nothing left for your partner. I was finding at the time before I got some help that I was getting to the end of the day and my husband wants to have some quality time and I had nothing left to give him. I'm like, sorry babe, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be talked to, I don't want to be expected to do anything other than rot on this couch and go to bed. That was all I had. I didn't even have energy to take care of myself. I was Drowning. I wanted, I wanted the 5 AM wake-up lifestyle. I knew I wanted to have that time to myself in the morning to go and work out and have the fitness.

 

Briana Dai [00:19:16]:

I didn't have the energy because I was drowning in everything else. And so if there's anything I hope you get from this, it's the permission to know that you cannot do it all. And thank God, because that means that you get to choose your all instead of drowning in everyone else's. So define what are the things that only you can do. Only I can take care of my body. Only I can take care of my health. Only I can love my kids when they're sick. Only I can take to their— I mean, I'm not the only one that can do the bedtime routine, but I'm the only one that can do bedtime routine like mommy, you know? And when I, when I'm in town and I have the ability to do that, I am there.

 

Briana Dai [00:19:58]:

I'm all in, you know, only I have the ability to be that sounding board when my kids need me. You know, only I can read them.

 

Briana Dai [00:20:05]:

Mm-hmm.

 

Briana Dai [00:20:06]:

the way that a mom does. You know, there'll be times where I'm like, hey, did you notice that Bryant's kind of got a little like thing going on? He's kind of fussing with his ear a little bit. And my husband's like, no, I didn't notice that. I was like, oh, I noticed that. We're— I'm gonna take him to the pediatrician. Next thing you know, he's got a double ear infection and something else going on. I'm like, I knew it. I knew it because moms know that stuff.

 

Briana Dai [00:20:25]:

I'm a present mom when I need to be, and I release the need to be the rest. And that is what I hope and pray every working mom hears, is it is impossible to keep up with the standards that are set upon us. And the sooner that you can release those external standards and start to get really clear on what matters to you and matters for your family, and only do those things and let go of the rest— that is what I hope you take away. Consider this episode your permission slip. You do not have to do it all to be doing it right. Let me say that again. You do not have to do it all To be doing it right. You're an amazing mom.

 

Briana Dai [00:21:11]:

You're an amazing woman. You're an amazing entrepreneur. And the sooner that you release the need to do it all, the sooner you will get in touch with just how incredible you really are. So send this to a mom in your life who really needs to hear it, and I'll see you on the next show because she does not just mean business. She means millions. She means millions.